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Green Eyed Monster

I have never really been a jealous person. As a kid, I saw first hand that having "things" don't make you happy. Houses, cars, jewelry... None of that can fill a void that your soul is missing. So when other people have "stuff" I don't really care.

Jealousy and envy took me by surprise when Dan got sick. I remember the first time feeling jealous when one of our friends said they went away for a weekend with their husband. They had a great time in the outdoors and eating good food.

" Good for fucking you, I thought"

Whoa?! Where did that come from?

For an instant, I was really jealous that they could go away for a carefree weekend. They didn't have to worry how someone was going to feel, what they could eat ( no such thing as low salt when you eat out) or what to do if they did feel shitty.

You have no idea what it's like not to know how you are going to feel when you wake up. Some days, Dan was ok... Others he was terrible. But then there were the days he woke up feeling ok, but felt worse and worse as the day went on. We had no idea why or when it would happen.

Dan used to surprise me a lot when we first got married with weekends away. We'd pack up the car and go somewhere new in New England. He loved food so he would research restaurants. He most often picked a special because he thought the cook put extra thought into it.

One year, about 3 years ago, Dan booked a weekend away for us in Ogunquit. He hoped desperately that he was going to feel well that weekend. He didn't. It was terrible.

We went out for dinner and he wasn't feeling great already. He had to lie down before we went out. Exhaustion was a big problem for Dan.

We had dinner and it didn't sit well with him. we took a walk after dinner and it was a SLOW walk. He didn't want to ruin my time so he pushed through. It made me anxious because I knew he didn't feel well and I just wanted to go back to the Inn.

The next morning he felt worse than ever and we walked as much as he could and we just packed up and left. As soon as we got home, he had to lie down for the rest of the day. The trip took too much out of him.

To hear people talk about going to the beach for the day or taking a cruise or doing anything normal that we couldn't do without anxiety and stress made me SO jealous.

Some of our friends are going on a cruise in January. We were invited, but, there is NO way we could ever consider that. Being stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean isn't even an option for us.

Our vacations were a little cabin on a pond in Maine where Dan could relax. If he felt shitty, I could swim or kayak or whatever while he lay down.

Both Dan and I were jealous that people could eat whatever they wanted. He had to watch his salt intake and he was diligent about it. We have a monthly dinner club that we attend, but, Dan always had to know what we were having, could he eat any of it, did he have to eat before we went?

Jealousy and envy is not pretty. That pretty much became my life these past 5 years. I just wanted to be able to be "normal".

Hearing people tell me that they ate at a new place, went to the beach for the day, went on vacation or anything fun was a jab in my gut.

I wanted to yell, " God, do you even realize how lucky you are?" " Do you really even know that some people can't just even go for a ride some days."

I am not envious of your money, houses or lifestyle. I am envious that you can enjoy life without worry, stress or anxiety.

Please be grateful for your health and that you CAN do what you want. Some are not so lucky.

I don't want people to stop sharing their joy with me. Just because I am jealous doesn't mean I am not happy for you. It simply means, I am sad for us. I learned that along the way.. You can be happy for someone else, but sad for yourself.

If my face ever said, " good for fucking you" if you told me something, it wasn't personal to you.

I ( DAn too)